I have never shared my story of my "friendships" in my life. I've moved around a lot since I was very little. With all that moving, it was hard to find that "best friend." I don't want to bore you with the details, but I have had even more difficulty since junior high. Girls (and sometimes guys) were very rude, cold, and malicious to me. (Another side note: I was home schooled and these were friends from youth group.) They invited each other to birthday parties in front of me and would then turn to me and say "my mom said I could only invite a few people, and you're not invited." I would be sitting alone waiting for youth group and would ask girls if anyone is sitting with them and they would say no and move to a new spot. Even typing this out makes me a little emotional, and I think a lot of my trust issues stem from that.
Later, in my high school days, I experienced some of the same things but at least the high schoolers were a little more tactful. I had one "friend" in particular who would go after any guy that I liked and date them, so I couldn't. She even admitted she did that to me once, but to this day, I can't remember why she said that.
In college, I was able to make new "friends." It was hard, but I still have a few friends I keep in constant contact with, or I consider to be really close. There was one incident where a girl (not from school), was my "best friend," and behind my back she schemed to make sure my life didn't outshine hers. Sabotaging potential boyfriends (at the time I didn't see that blessing), but it was still rude and there was a lot of conflict and drama, because of all the lies and betrayal.
This goes to say, when a friend doesn't meet "my expectations," I get really upset and sometimes angry when they disappoint me. I don't know why, humans are flawed, and we all have our "fairy tale" life. I just never thought, I would be the one who wouldn't grow up with the same friend my whole life.
Why am I writing this post? This past year has been the hardest year I have ever had. My best friend moved to a foreign country in the Peace Corps and I haven't seen her in over a year (sidenote: she will be here for Christmas!!) My jobs switched because my Americorps VISTA position was over, I wasn't working a fulfilled job, and I just wasn't doing anything productive with my life. I've seen a busy friend get married and even busier (I haven't seen her since her wedding, which was in July), I've seen two friends move out of the state (one who won't talk to me, not sure why, but it hurts, a lot). And this year I had struggled to find my purpose. This past month, I had a friend who for no reason in my mind, just starting ignoring my texts and making me feel like I had done something awful.
I write this all to say, I've had some crappy things happen to me and I've relied on my own strength to move on and keep a hold of friendships. I'm not saying I don't have friends, but in a lot of my friendships, there is no consistency, and during this time in my life, I need that. I have friends who constantly go out, and I can say honestly, that was me, but I no longer live that lifestyle and I want to focus on things that will matter when all is said and done.
In this being my birthday week, it's interesting the gifts that God will bring. This morning, as I was lying in bed, feeling quite sorry for myself (being very selfish), for having no close christian friends who are girls, and for just feeling crummy, and even in all that mess, God spoke to me: He told me that there was no reason for me to be upset, first, because I haven't given Him the situation, and second, I need to give him the situation.
I know why it's been so hard for me recently to pray and read my bible, because I've been so bitter towards people and friendships, I've been filling the void that He (my infallible God) has been trying to fill with thoughts and sour attitudes towards fallible people.
Yes, I pray the prayer daily, whether I read my bible or not, to give God my whole day, and my whole being. But, I sometimes forget that also means individually talking about each area I'm letting Him takeover. Because, when He takes over, things go perfectly right, and I'm not worrying.
I've turned into a worrying person who is on go-go-go mode and I've been on auto-pilot when I shouldn't be the person in command of my
Dear Lord,
I am using this day to re-energize and catch up with all that I need to do at home. I give you my whole day, Father God, help me not to waste even a second, but help it to be productive and also relaxing while I get accomplished what I need to get accomplished. I also give you my heart and my thoughts. Please be in control over them. Be in control over my time, finances, familial relationships, friendships, my jobs, my relationship with You, and over anything else I can't think about at the moment. I want you to have full control! Please be the author of my life, I submit completely to You.
Amen
THANK YOU for reading!! If you have even gotten this far. Why is it, that in my (almost) 25 years, I can't grasp that God, who loves me more than I can ever know, even wants control over my friendships?? Have a blessed day!!
Countdown to my birthday: 2 DAYS!!! 11/11/11
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