02 May 2012

tuesday // singleness

This blogging thing is getting easier. Much easier. my Tuesday was not as eventful as Monday, but here's what I did!

woke up at the holiday inn (actually at 6am)
picked up a scooters (iced coffee with a shot of espresso and milk -- disgust)
went to worksite
tried crystal light ice tea (lemon flavor)
lunch in the hotel room (wings from last night)
picked up big cup at the local gas station
came back to work
dinner at ricardo's
chilled in hotel room working on church work while watching drive (do not recommend movie)
restless sleep

I told you it was uneventful...

But, what I'm really here to talk about is singleness. You probably know by now, that I'm single. I'm not rejoicing or complaining. There are moments in my life where I'm sad that I have no significant other and then there are times, like this morning when I'm glad I'm single.

I'm tired. I mean physically and mentally tired. I haven't had much time to find rest. I have so much caffiene in the morning and afternoon to keep me going, that my mind is still racing at the end of the day. So, when my body is ready to shut down, my brain hasn't quite got the message.

Where are you going with this Lauren, you may ask. This morning (Wednesday), I was tired, like don't talk to, look at or think of me tired. Yesterday, I had made the proclamation that I was going to treat myself to a nice steak dinner and then go to a movie (21 Jump Street -- Is it any good, has anyone seen it?). My co-worker says, "Oh I may join you for that movie." And then proceeds to ask the rest of our co-workers if they would like to come. First of all, I don't mind if you come, but I had declared I was going alone and it would be my first movie alone in the theaters! It had taken a lot of time for me to come to terms that I can go to a movie alone. But, alas, no one else wanted to go.

This morning, I realized I was getting agitated about the smallest things. Why? Because I'm tired! I'm really tired. The kind of tired where all I want to do is go curl up in a ball and cry -- Because I'm so tired! I think I already stated I was tired. At the moment of my agitation, I wanted to look at my co-worker and say, I'd rather go to this movie alone. I'm an introvert by nature, extrovert by choice. I just haven't had enough time to recharge -- alone! That's when it hit me, I'm selfish. In those small moments of complete exhaustion I have no patience. None. Not even a smidge. My stress levels rise to boiling point. My words are few and biting. My sarcasm becomes a mean of hurting vs. a mean of witt. Deep breathing works. No wonder I'm still single! When I'm dating someone, I spend a lot of time and emotion on that one person, and I snap. Really, I do. Every time. I get so worked up about the smallest things because I'm so TIRED!

I write all this to say -- I'm single for a reason. A God reason. That reason being, I need to learn to go with the flow when I'm "give up" tired. My patience has grown. My temper has softened. My temperment has improved. My tolerance level of annoyance is at an all-time low -- Except when I'm tired.

Whew, writing this all out has calmed me down to state of pure comatose. It's like I just ate that candy bar I shouldn't have eaten and that moment triggers the pleasure centers in my brain, which are doing a happy dance. It's always a good feeling when you've discovered a problem and a solution.

Of course, I'm not perfect. I do have moments of terror (me being the terror) when I'm not tired, but they are few and very far between. But, the inner turmoil during deep exhaustion has been an ongoing struggle for as long as I can remember.

Is he coming to the movie with me tonight? I'm not sure. And it doesn't matter.

Boy, am I tired.

Now, I just need to solve the not sleeping problem.

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